My Pakistan and Your Pakistan

Patriotism is so overrated. It is like wanting to create an emotion for something you don’t even care. And that emotion is so dependent on events and scenarios that people need reinforcements for it. If it were different from being an emotion, people would have actually done something for the country they are patriotic about rather than making songs and drinking soft drinks for a multinational. So when I talk about patriotism, people in my country Pakistan have different views on it. Actually no one understands the true meaning behind it but they have funny views about the place they call Pakistan.

The first group is the one I refer to as the ticket to Hollywood people. These people roam around the metropolis in luxury sedans pretending to know everything about the country. They actually have ideas which can turn Pakistan into Marilyn Monroe. Theywant to ornate it with Starbucks, Wendy’s and Disney Land but the problem is that they have a plane to catch for a country which terms them as a terrorist nation. However they promise to watch all the matches team Pakistan plays in the world cup and they will cheer for the team also. I mean come one guys, round of applause for them.

The next group is the hip hop group. They seem to merge state and religion so easily that sometimes people forget where Islam actually came from. However they aspire to make Pakistan invincible by bombing its enemies which now they find in their own homeland. I admire their ability to alter religion for their comfort by issuing notices or fatwas. For them the only way out from this misery is through protests which actually no one notices or in extreme cases training people for the 70 virgins.

Another set is called silent but violent. These people are silent at times when something bad is happening in front of them, but violent in their homes. They tend to take out all the pressure they get from the outside world on the family. They consider themselves as victim of injustice, which is not the case. They are no less than culprits to the crime. They give bribes to people terming it as a token of appreciation, cheat in competitions claiming it as their right and blame the government for all the things that have happened to them.

Next are the all runs in the family group. These people are very interesting. Rulers of usually the rural areas, exercising might which is gifted to them by their forefathers. Their present generation is born with a golden spoon in its mouth, a foreign degree in politics and a tinted SUV. They care about their people a lot, by manipulating them, controlling the basic facilities in the area and collecting usury which ultimately results in the death of a poor farmer. Come on people, round of applause for them also.

The best part is all of these are Pakistanis, so the next time a red faced white calls you a paki, ask him which one? And if he gets confused in answering the question, bring him to Pakistan. His mind will surely get screwed. So the questions once again comes on to you guys. Which group do you belong to or have you thought of making an identity that symbolizes real patriotism.

Would you go out with me?

 

The love season has begun. February marks the month of love rituals where mostly young couples are seen promising each other heaven and beyond. If love were a religion, 14^th February or the Valentine’s Day would have been the Yom Kippur (except for the fast and stuff). Turns out many of you would have booked venues for the event and bought gifts for your partners. For some of you it’s the first valentines with the new one (yeah I know the last one was a bitch) while keeping in mind the older people who are emotionally drained out, it may be another dinner at Café Flo.

 

    The thing I admire about a date is the preparation where Venus and Jupiter pretend to be Ashton Kutcher and Drew Barrymore. But since life is a bitch, things do not turn out be the way they should be. Don’t expect your father to lend his car to you and ladies your mom to give you a pepper spray in case things get messy. You are not living an urban New Yorker’s life dumpy ….Welcome to Karachi ….where dreams can get you into lots of trouble.

 

    Keep lots of money with you. As much as you may believe that love can’t be bought or money can buy happiness. Believe me now Rs 2000 worth of flowers can save you 2 hours of love talk and flattery, unless you enjoy it. 

 

    For the guys, keep a lot of change in your front pockets. In case you break a traffic signal because of the LACK OF ATTENTION on the road, you should have something to let the police go. You know they don’t care about the license and traffic signal. Come on even they have the right to celebrate it.

 

    Try taking your partner to places where there is less risk of your parents coming there. Since they have a license to show off their romanticism they wouldn’t care to get caught by anyone.

I know you people have seen a lot of television and aspire to have one in a kind of relationship. But a piece of advice there is no camera in front of you and there are a whole bunch of people who have put their weird eyes on you two. So just try to act normal and avoid “PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION” .You wouldn’t know when a frustrated aunty complained the manager about the indecent act.

 

    In case the Pakistani version of Shiv Sena ( i.e The Namoos e Risalat Group ) attacks your privacy, I have a simple advice for both of you. Run for your lives. For the guys don’t try to be a hero and save the girl. They aren't going to harm her anyway. And you guys are going to have a break up anyway, so save the energy for that time.

And if you want to save yourself from all this misery become a self obsessed person, order pizza and continue with the old 007 flicks which you could not watch before (Money Penny in those movies was better than the one they show now) 

Honey! The crumbs are for the children

I just love the company of my grandfather and his friends. A bunch of old retired people who have travelled around the world and enjoyed their time in exotic place sitting together in funny coats. Some smoke pipe while others just to get in the game smoke Rothmans and the hardcore ones are okay with a glass of whisky. The funniest part is when these people discuss talk. Sometimes its politics, economics or just an anecdote and sometimes, if u get lucky then you get to listen stories of their past. Most of the time it feels like I am sitting with a think tank that has weird fantasies about the Pakistani politics (No wonder we are screwed up, when the real parliamentarians are sitting in clubs, railway stations and barber shops)

    So here it goes with one man narrating how he got into trouble in a nightclub called Kido, then his partners wanting to pull his leg once more, a laughing session and suddenly one of them goes like “those were the days.” These words start another discussion into another series of events which used to happen in the 60s and the 70s. It turns out that we live in hell right now. Those times were when the people did not worry when they left their gates open. Karachi was a station for bag packers, with a proper night life. Oh not to forget THE SCHOOLS WERE REALLY GOOD because what the oldies say is “hamare time mein kya school hote thay”. I mean life was heaven at that time and these conversations want me to go into a time in which I do not belong.

    I still think that if the present day is as bad as peanut butter put on medium done steak then why is that so? If the quality of education are bad then who made them bad? If institutions failed why did that happen? If the country was turning in to a high school for suicide bombers what did u guys do about it? You were the people who made decisions at that time. Things would have been different if some of you had left that one glass of wine to think about the future and would have done something to change it for better. Why blame the present day people for all the bad things happening around you. I mean we were born with a gift that was in the form of a devil in an army outfit ( I was born a year after his plane crashed), still the point is that you people were in the age group that is considered the most productive in the society by a bunch of development economist lunatics

    And then came the time of wars and turmoil. Not to mention a martial law, a dictatorship, a big plane crash that is still screwing us, a war on terror, couple of suicide bombs and a president who was gifted to us with the death of democracy. Sorry to say people but the oldies screwed up big time. And now they hide the guilt by forcing us to do something with youth development programs and leadership sessions. Not that I have a bias towards them. All I want is the blame and bad mouth on this generation to end.

    So now the question arises, are we ready to take this burden from the future generation blaming us for the mess or are we going to do something about it. Are we going to leave the crumbs for the kids or are we going to leave them with something good.